The elusive top of the mountain
As I have been reflecting on the whole concept of uphill and downhill, I realize that I have already begun the journey downhill. I’m nearing the end of my engineering career. My daughter has graduated from college and is married. My son is nearly finished with his degree in music. I’ve entered the world of the contemplative. I’ve dropped out of church. I’m becoming a downhill person.
But now I’m pursuing a whole new career by going back to seminary to get a master’s degree in counseling. That is UPHILL. I’m really enjoying it. And yet, I wonder at times if I'm satisfied. I think my goals about family and my engineering career were met and exceeded.
My goals for church were not. I dreamed of growing with a church and becoming the pastor of worship. Instead of climbing to the top of that mountain, I ended up going downhill having never reached the top. I’m the has-been who never was.
I’m trying to be okay with that, but there are twinges of regret as I think about the years and years of investment in the local church. I was striving for meaning, investing my time, my gifts, and getting my identity from my contributions in a system I no longer believe in. Now I’m unplugged from the system and trying to sort it all out.
I can’t go back to the striving, and yet God has made me for a purpose. I suppose one of these days it will become clearer to me what that purpose is. For now, I get up out of bed, breathe in and out, and continue the journey. But forget the mountain. This is a valley.
But now I’m pursuing a whole new career by going back to seminary to get a master’s degree in counseling. That is UPHILL. I’m really enjoying it. And yet, I wonder at times if I'm satisfied. I think my goals about family and my engineering career were met and exceeded.
My goals for church were not. I dreamed of growing with a church and becoming the pastor of worship. Instead of climbing to the top of that mountain, I ended up going downhill having never reached the top. I’m the has-been who never was.
I’m trying to be okay with that, but there are twinges of regret as I think about the years and years of investment in the local church. I was striving for meaning, investing my time, my gifts, and getting my identity from my contributions in a system I no longer believe in. Now I’m unplugged from the system and trying to sort it all out.
I can’t go back to the striving, and yet God has made me for a purpose. I suppose one of these days it will become clearer to me what that purpose is. For now, I get up out of bed, breathe in and out, and continue the journey. But forget the mountain. This is a valley.
posted by Ted at 6:38 AM
4 Comments:
You are a blogging family! Great thoughts about living uphill and downhill...maybe when I have some downhill time I'll go listen to the 8 minute talk!
Greg
When I read the Uphill, Downhill blog a couple of posts back, it sounded like Uphill was hard going (bad) and Downhill was less work than fun (good). So when I got to your Ups and Downs, I was a little confused about which was which. Maybe it doesn't matter.
But you ain't done yet, bro'. Not by any stretch. Unplugged from the institution (which is not the church) is a good thing. Last night -- that was church. You can always plug in to that.
Ted,
I think I'd rather be a has-been who never was than an is who really aint.
-S
Mike, good thoughts. I'm still a bit confused myself, but it seems our lives will always have both uphill and downhill stuff, probably until we die. The uphill stuff isn't necessarily bad. There just needs to be some corresponding amount of downhill or our lives become futile. But at a feelings level, I feel I'm over the hill, but I don't remember the top of the hill. And yet, I can't remember ever being here before, so I'm definitely not going down the way I came up, so to speak.
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