Basic Mistakes and Private Logic
OK, Justin wanted me to post some of my thoughts that I had shared with him on a walk we took, so here are some reflections on Adlerian Therapy. Adler sees individuals as the actors, creators, and artists of their life. But often they make “basic mistakes” or hold to “private logic” that keeps them operating in ways that are not helpful. If I perceive that I’m inferior, I will attempt to move from a felt “minus” to a felt “plus.”
An example of this from my life is that after finishing “grade school” at a one-room country school with 13 students, I went on to the biggest culture shock of my life by becoming a freshman at a 1,000-person high school. After being there a week, I found that the only kids who seemed to be developing a relationship with me were apparently at the very bottom of the social ladder of the school. In what now seems like a cruel act, I stopped hanging out with those guys and began to get involved with other activities that would get me in with what I perceived to be a better group of kids. I went from feeling inferior to examining my basic mistakes, and then set about to correct my style of life.
Also, by growing up in a pretty dysfunctional family, I developed a lot of faulty “private logic.” Some of my faulty core beliefs that I’ve done a lot of work to recover from are:
1. I’m basically a bad, unworthy person.
2. Spending money is dangerous.
3. I am what I achieve, and I’ve got to achieve a lot to be okay.
4. Hard work will save me.
5. Being alone is bad.
6. Small mistakes will almost always have huge negative consequences.
These rules have greatly affected my life. By believing at my core that I was basically bad, I often acted in ways that felt consistent with that belief. My belief about money has affected my relationships with my wife and kids in a negative way. By always needing to achieve, I have often put tasks ahead of relationships, and goals ahead of the joy of the journey. By believing that I could be saved by hard work, I found it hard to give myself a break in life, and very difficult to experience the grace of God. By believing that being alone was bad, I missed a huge part of my relationship with God that I am now discovering through Spiritual Formation. By believing that small mistakes have big consequences, I have lived a life of fear, ruled by the illusion of control.
For a long time, these core beliefs served me pretty well. I could even find Bible verses to support them. But as I got older, it became harder and harder to continue to believe these lies. It’s only as I have gotten to the experiential source of these beliefs, and replaced my trauma-induced, lie-based thinking with experiential truth, that I’m now finding unprecedented freedom to be the man of God that I have longed to be. But sometimes I feel sad that I didn’t figure all this out a lot sooner.
An example of this from my life is that after finishing “grade school” at a one-room country school with 13 students, I went on to the biggest culture shock of my life by becoming a freshman at a 1,000-person high school. After being there a week, I found that the only kids who seemed to be developing a relationship with me were apparently at the very bottom of the social ladder of the school. In what now seems like a cruel act, I stopped hanging out with those guys and began to get involved with other activities that would get me in with what I perceived to be a better group of kids. I went from feeling inferior to examining my basic mistakes, and then set about to correct my style of life.
Also, by growing up in a pretty dysfunctional family, I developed a lot of faulty “private logic.” Some of my faulty core beliefs that I’ve done a lot of work to recover from are:
1. I’m basically a bad, unworthy person.
2. Spending money is dangerous.
3. I am what I achieve, and I’ve got to achieve a lot to be okay.
4. Hard work will save me.
5. Being alone is bad.
6. Small mistakes will almost always have huge negative consequences.
These rules have greatly affected my life. By believing at my core that I was basically bad, I often acted in ways that felt consistent with that belief. My belief about money has affected my relationships with my wife and kids in a negative way. By always needing to achieve, I have often put tasks ahead of relationships, and goals ahead of the joy of the journey. By believing that I could be saved by hard work, I found it hard to give myself a break in life, and very difficult to experience the grace of God. By believing that being alone was bad, I missed a huge part of my relationship with God that I am now discovering through Spiritual Formation. By believing that small mistakes have big consequences, I have lived a life of fear, ruled by the illusion of control.
For a long time, these core beliefs served me pretty well. I could even find Bible verses to support them. But as I got older, it became harder and harder to continue to believe these lies. It’s only as I have gotten to the experiential source of these beliefs, and replaced my trauma-induced, lie-based thinking with experiential truth, that I’m now finding unprecedented freedom to be the man of God that I have longed to be. But sometimes I feel sad that I didn’t figure all this out a lot sooner.
posted by Ted at 8:34 AM
5 Comments:
Dad, I think its great that you understand yourself so well. If only we all were aware of our "private logic."
-Justin
But think about this. I've had the chance to watch you do all of that, and therefore found the courage to begin to do it too.
When you get before the Judgement Seat, I'll be there to defend you. Although I hardly think it will be necessary.
Mike M.
I'm very glad, Ted, that you're writing. I'll try to catch it whenever I can.
-Dawn
Thanks for sharing this, Ted. These are helpful distinctions.
Jen Lee
While I can't really get into the why, THANK YOU for sharing this!
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