Why we forgive

This bit of savvy wisdom is from the book From Age-ing to Sage-ing, a book that my friend Mel Claytor has been reading:

When I refuse to forgive someone who has wronged me, I mobilize my own inner criminal justice system to punish the offender. As judge and jury, I sentence the person to a long prison term without parole and incarcerate him in a prison that I construct from the bricks and mortar of a hardened heart.

Now as Jailer and warden, I must spend as much time in prison as the prisoner I am guarding. All the energy that I put into maintaining the prison system comes out of my energy budget. From this point of view, bearing a grudge is very costly, because long-held feelings of anger, resentment, and fear drain my energy and imprison my vitality and creativity.

In most cases, we don’t forgive because we feel that the offending party deserves to learn a lesson, and we arrogate unto ourselves the task of being the instrument of instruction. In our innermost heart, we say, ‘How can I forgive him if he hasn’t shown regret, learned his lesson, and made restitution?’. But as our experience demonstrates, the wronging party usually does not apologize. As anger etches its corrosive mark on our soul, we carry an emotional voucher wherever we go that reads, ‘Accounts receivable’. With our vindictiveness anchored in the past, fixated on slights, ouches, and resentments, we may wait fifty years to collect our due from ex-spouses, business partners, and family members – often to no avail. Imagine how many people and nations exist in this state, waiting to collect their unpaid bills! That’s why the bible proclaims that after seven years comes the Sabbatical Year, in which there is a remission of debt – not just financial, but emotional was well.

The issue of forgiveness has another dimension that we are normally loath to examine. We often fail to account for the role that we unconsciously play in creating dysfunctional relationships and situations. All too often, we don’t ask ourselves, "How did my hidden agenda – my expectations, unacknowledged needs, and unresolved emotional conflicts – lead to my getting hurt?" We cannot forgive the offending party as long as we have not taken responsibility for our own contribution to the misunderstanding. By portraying ourselves as victims, we avoid dealing with the pain that we unconsciously inflict on ourselves. Forgiving another’s deed against us requires forgiving ourselves for our complicity in the affair.

I recently blew up at a friend and co-worker for taking back control of a project he had delegated to me. It took us about 3 hours to do the post-mortem on our conflict. We each had unconscious motivations that took awhile to figure out. It was work worth doing.

The 10 Demandments

Check this out!

My group supervisor handed these out last night during our meeting. I wish I'd had these when I was a LOT younger!

Dismantled

This week I’ve been stirred up by a bunch of stuff that’s mostly too personal to share here. When I mentioned briefly in an earlier post that the discipline of centering prayer begins to dismantle the false self, I was simply quoting the book. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been experiencing it. It’s pretty scary, as God begins once again to accept my invitation into the deep places in me that still are unhealed.

One of the distractions that can come while one is attempting to simply be in the presence of the Lord is called "the unloading of the unconscious." The book says, "sometimes insights into the darker side of our personality will emerge" as we "consent to the presence and action of God."

The analogy is that of a dark room. As the light comes on, all that is exposed to it becomes visible. In the same way as I settle into prayer, the lights come on in the deepest, darkest parts of who I am, and some of what I see there is discouraging, because it’s stuff I’ve known about and avoided for 34 years of knowing God. Ouch!

The Immanuel Principle

I’ve been away from blogging for a week, mainly due to being either too busy or too tired to get around to making an entry. Last weekend I helped staff a men’s retreat and then on Monday I worked from 8-5 and then did practicum from 5-10. I meet with clients at 5, 6, and 7 and then go to group supervision from 8 to 9:30. After that I filled out reports and did session notes. So after Monday I spent the rest of the week just trying to get rested up again, with the exception of Thursday night when I led the discussion for our home group.

Yesterday, we had my spiritual formation group from Denver Seminary here for a four-hour spiritual formation meeting. Phyllis taught on centering prayer, Chris Simpson taught about Lectio Divina, and then we all had dinner together. I noticed Chris read from a Bible I hadn’t seen before: "The Renovare Spiritual Formation Bible." It’s the joint work of Richard Foster, Dallas Willard, Walter Brueggemann, and Eugene Peterson. In it they include a number of essays and commentary designed to help one to enjoy a more contemplative experience with the Bible. Chris was kind enough to loan me a copy. Here’s a snippet from the General Introduction:

"The Bible is all about human life "with God." It is about how God has made this "with-God" life possible and will bring it to pass. In fact, the name Immanuel, meaning in Hebrew "God is with us," is the title given to the one and only Redeemer, because it refers to God’s everlasting intent for human life—namely, that we should be in every aspect a dwelling place of God. Indeed, the unity of the Bible is discovered in the development of life "with God" as a reality on earth, centered in the person of Jesus. We might call this the Immanuel Principle of life."

As I continue to get older, it is my hope that I will become more and more aware of this "Immanuel Principle" at work in every aspect of my life. I know I have far to go in terms of experiencing his presence with me throughout the day, every day.